I can’t wait for

For the past three or so years I have seen posts saying I cannot wait for 2015, 2016, 2017, and now 2018.

I swear the next year posts start on January 2 every single year.

In April and May they beginning warning of how you still have six months to turn this year around.

Then in September and October they begin to talk about how you have wasted three quarters of a year doing the same things over and over and the next year is around the corner.

We wait for a new year, a new month, a new week, a new day to change. Why?

We live in this fear of what others think of us, what others expect of us, what others are doing because it seems like they have it together.

Let me know if you find someone who you think has it all together and figured out, they don’t. I don’t, not even close. I remember a friend of mine told me once when he borrowed my car that he was so happy that my car was a mess because it made him see I wasn’t perfect, I thought how the hell could you think I had it all together!

I am self conscious all the time, I am afraid to dance with my beautiful girlfriend at weddings or when going out because I am embarrassed. I don’t even know how horrible of a dancer I am because I will not give myself that opportunity and in my head I know no one cares but I am slowly getting over that insecurity.

I never feel like what I do is ever good enough and this has made it very challenging for me to be present in moments and enjoy them. I find myself always looking to improve and that makes it hard to enjoy moments.

All of the motivational posts I put up are as much for me as they are for all of you that read them. I am not immune to defeat, hateful words, people talking behind my back, etc. I know many people only read what I post for the next bit of juicy gossip in hopes to stir up controversy. It hurts, its hard. Rejection is tough, judgement is tough, having both happen from others without even a word is tough as well. Most times I have been in your shoes and I am trying to come from a place of compassion and not judgement. I see you stuck in the mud, struggling. I know that if I attempt to pull you out you will end up right back in that mud. Instead I try to show you how to get yourself out of the mud.

I will not always be around. That is a painful lesson to be made aware of at a young age. I have had the benefit of my family being extremely young, and it has provided me a very unique opportunity in life to learn from others. I remember about 25 years ago my dad started telling me that he wasn’t going to be around forever and that I was going to have to take care of my sisters. He is still here today but we had no idea how the toxic chemicals he inhaled would change his life. That lesson has been engrained in my head incessantly.

Nothing will last forever and the only person that any of us can guarantee we will wake up next to for the rest of our lives is ourselves. Above all we each must be ok with who we are. It does not matter who other people think we are, it will hurt if it is overwhelmingly negative but it doesn’t matter. You will lose family, friends, relationships, you will have many goodbyes that you did not know were to be your very last goodbyes. There are people that are living that I will probably never say another word to, and I do not know if I should.

I am grateful that I am man enough to hug and kiss my dad every single time I see him, and I hope I teach my son the same both selfishly so he will always express his love to me and so that he will develop that habit in his children or loved ones when I am gone.

There are many precious gifts we receive that I do not think we realize we are even receiving. It is a gift for someone to trust you so thoroughly that they can fall asleep in your embrace, whether that is a child, significant other, or an animal. That is an amazing example of trust. It may be uncomfortable at times but it is a very cool experience of bonding. I actually put my son to sleep accidentally last night when we were watching a calm down show because I was working on my diaphragmatic breathing and me slowing down my breathing calmed him and put him to sleep.

I have been told repeatedly for years by people how they have been following me for months, or even over a year and that I am really inspiring and they come in. It’s awesome to see them come in but why did you wait so long? I know sometimes life gets in the way but do not let fear control and own you! Do not wait months because you are afraid to fail or to embarrass yourself. I am speaking from experience. I have been afraid, I have been embarrassed, I have been the subject of ridicule. Many people tell me I am not as scary as they thought I was which I always find humorous.

The point of all of this rambling is that you do not need to wait, you need not delay any longer. All of those people who eventually made it in always say the same thing. I wish I had come in sooner. You need nothing make you change your mind, it just takes effort to get that ball rolling but once you do your entire world will change!

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